This semester, it seemed as if I had lost any and all spark of creativity. I was a puddle of stress and anxiety, feeling as if one thief of happiness after another was surely swiping bit by bit from my once impenetrable drive of self expression. I meandered down dimly lit paths of self doubt and abruptly turned around at any divided road, sprinting home to gather insight from others on what path to take. I was in all honesty of severe mistrust in my own ability to make decisions, and was convinced of the improbability of happiness if I struck out on my own. Some days, if caffeinated to the nth degree resulted in astounding mediocrity. Others, or should I say most, were dictated by the gray cloud of self pity I never willed myself to step out from underneath of. These cumulus puffs of dismality were ones I allowed myself to wallow in, questioning my lack of importance due to my barren schedule when t-charted beside other’s scribbled to-do lists.
In the past 10 months, I learned that i’m happiest and most filled with an indescribable amount of joy when interacting with fresh faces, and enjoy time away from the dullness of those who think they understand every aspect of me.
In the past 10 months, I have been the most selfish i have ever been, ensuring that my own happiness was put on a more accessible shelf and was able to be replenished far faster than others.
In the past 10 months, I allowed my emotions to take a toll on the sanity of those around me, allowing my rain to pour on their once brightly balloon filled parade.
In the past 10 months, I discovered that I have an immense fear of roads yet to be paved, and lack the tenacity to clear them myself.
In the past 10 months, I discovered that happiness is much like a quaint house you must keep tidy, one that can brave storms but certainly does not lack damage in the aftermath of one, a house that's greenery only flourishes if coddled and watered, and whose door exudes benevolence if only repainted with gentle brushes.
I am viewing this change in season and shift in obligations as a chance to revamp my home. As a creature lightest when checking off lists of productivity, i plan to stay busy, fruitful, and most of all, happy. I plan to dodge these thieves of joy and take notes from the sun's selfless nature of spreading light (while also bathing in it's rays). I'm taking these short few months to take mental classes in intentionalism and and courage. I am fixing up my dismal home and heart of stark gray, and slapping a fresh coat of paint on it's walls, rehinging it's doors to be open to new possibilities, and drawing back it's curtains to absorb all the goodness and light life has to offer. Here's to a homestead of happiness.
